Themes/Content Warnings:
Identity, friendship, family, love, belonging, religion, mental health, drug and alcohol addiction, self-harm, neglect, child abuse, gas-lighting, abduction, prostitution, paedophilia, grooming, exploitation, rape of a child, rape, trauma, abusive relationship, extreme physical, emotional and sexual abuse, sexuality, success, fame, disease, disability, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, death.
Synopsis:
Jude, Willem, Malcolm and J.B. are four friends who move to New York after graduation to find their way and pursue their ambitions. Whilst they're mostly broke and adrift, their friendship remains through the years following the ups and downs between the group. With their talents they easily slide into their chosen careers; a lawyer, an actor, an architect and an artist - each highly successful in their professions.
As they grow older and more successful, their relationships deepen and darken, tainted with addiction, pride and success. But they soon realise their greatest challenge is Jude himself, now a powerful litigator yet increasingly broken man. Haunted by an unspeakable past which defines his everyday life, will he be able to break his silence to confide in his friends and finally break away from his demons?
Thoughts:
I have been buried between the pages of this book for the past week, reading it whenever I could and even listening to the audiobook when my eyes felt exhausted. From it's popularity I was vaguely aware of it's contents initially I had no intention of reading it, but I made an impulsive decision and just picked it up from the 'must-reads' section. I can honestly say I wasn't prepared for the degree of extremities that this book includes in every aspect. There are so many layers to the characters and the story; every thought and detail is written with such intricacy. This proved to be a challenging read both because of it's length (700+ pages) and the very extreme nature of content with graphic descriptions. Yanagihara did a commendable job writing this novel, she cleverly moves between characters, dipping in and out of their past/present lives which built a strong sense of character attachment. Within the first couple of chapters I already felt I knew these people.
I loved the diversity between the friends, it was interesting to see how they bonded even though they were so different to each other. The mystery around Jude's past is obvious from the very beginning, like his friends I questioned myself if I really knew him. Refusing to share his past with anyone he seemed distant, vague and unfamiliar. But, as he becomes the main focus in the story and the truth of his past is slowly revealed through glimpses in his memories and his behaviour it's impossible to not love him for the miracle that he literally is.
We learn the life stories of all the main characters, each one equally important and interesting but Jude's life takes central stage. I can't explain the weight of this book, I've never felt this way reading a book before. It left me speechless, heartbroken and actually quite stressed. It goes into the deepest most horrific and unimaginable forms of abuse. What I found most traumatizing was the continuous repetition and endless sadness, there's no break in the pattern of abuse. From one form to another, inflicted by others and then inflicted upon himself. Jude's warped perception of himself was so upsetting, he couldn't see his beauty and strengths despite being told and shown by people who loved and cared for him in the longer part of his life.
The sad reality is that any form of childhood trauma can haunt people and shape their life experience as adults especially when it is left unresolved. The mind may be able to alter memories to make them more believable or justify what had happened but it can only be feigned for a while until reality catches up. In Jude's circumstances he had physical scars as a reminder and evidence of what he was forced to endure which made it even more difficult for him manage his everyday. His story showcases how behaviour learned at a young age may be impossible to break away from (the cutting and self-harm) and can sometimes become a pattern because this is all a person knows and expects from life and people (violence and abusive relationships.)
Through all his episodes of suffering including his most recent as an adult when he tries to pursue a relationship, Jude never refers to his perpetrators as 'evil' instead he turns to math to resolve his understanding of his experiences as an 'unshakable truth.' This was another particularly distressing part to read because Jude's belief's of his self-worth and life purpose were so far from the truth. It also goes to show how innocent children are, to only see the good in people and look for moments of kindness even in extreme duress. Again, Yanagihara did a fantastic job of describing Jude's mental health struggles as an adult, with the voices in his head conjured by his thoughts and memories being referred to as 'hyenas howling' I thought this was a really fitting characterisation. Every time I thought things were starting to look to better, something else terrible happened - the book is not stop and full of gut-wrenching twists.
It may seem like there is nothing positive in this book but there were definitely some beautiful, tender moments full of love and kindness. The subtle, affectionate moments of compassion and trust between Jude and his friends and Jude and his family were heart-warming. After Jude, Harold was my favourite character - what an absolute hero.
Although the end of the novel was not what I wanted, I thought it was very true to character and a realistic outcome given the circumstances and leading events. I was grateful for the moments of light in Jude's story and was ready for it to come to an end. If you're looking for a thought-provoking, eye-opening read that will probably change your perspective on life and make you grateful for the smallest things I would highly highly recommend this novel. I don't think I can bare to read this again but I'm certain it's a book that will stay with me for a very very long time.
Rating:
5/5
Favourite Quotes:
'...things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.'
'Wasn’t friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?'
'And so I try to be kind to everything I see, and in everything I see, I see him.'
Disclaimer:
I would recommend extensive background reading into the contents of this book before reading it. It is extremely diverse and brutal in it's writing and not suitable for everyone.
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